Why Didn`t I Turn Straight To God?

I have thought about this a lot.

If I believed in God and talked about spirituality, why didn’t I turn straight to Him? Why did I ask cards? Why did I go to mediums? Why did I look for messages from the dead?

Why did a middleman feel easier than God?

I do not think I consciously wanted to bypass the Creator. Quite the opposite. I was sincere. I was looking for comfort, direction and certainty.

But now I see some things more clearly.

I wanted an answer immediately

A card gives an answer immediately. A medium says something immediately. A sign appears quickly.

It feels concrete. You receive something you can hold onto. A sentence, a symbol, a promise.

Turning to God does not work the same way.

Prayer does not always bring an answer right away. There is not always a voice. There is not always a sign. Sometimes there is only silence.

And silence is hard. Sometimes it is honestly irritating.

I wanted reassurance

A medium says everything is okay. A card says this will happen. Someone passes along a message that you are not alone.

It calms you down. But it also ties you to itself.

I noticed that I started waiting for the next answer. The next sign. The next confirmation. I no longer rested without them. Eventually I even started practicing mediumship myself. Sometimes I felt I made contact, most of the time I did not. Sometimes, while the pendulum was moving, I wondered who was actually moving it. But I did not stop there. I just wanted answers.

I also mixed in ideas from A Course in Miracles. It taught that fear is illusion, that everything is ultimately love and that right thinking changes your experience. It sounded beautiful. Freeing. The idea that nothing is ultimately a real threat felt calming.

But at the same time, I learned to turn inward in a way where the answers had to be found inside my own mind. If something felt painful, I had to “correct my thinking.” If I was afraid, I had to realize there was no real reason for fear.

At the time, it felt like spiritual growth. Now I can see that it was also a way to stay in control. Everything eventually came back to my thinking, my interpretation and my ability to see correctly.

I do not have to get my head sorted out before I come before God. I can come as I am, and He does not disappear.

Maybe I was afraid of God’s silence

This is hard to admit, but maybe I was afraid that if I turned straight to God, I would not receive anything concrete.

Mediums, cards and other spiritual methods gave me something that felt manageable. I could ask, interpret and return to the question again.

God cannot be managed like that.

He does not answer according to my timetable. He does not work through my methods. He does not hand control over to me.

And maybe that is exactly why, for a long time, I preferred the middlemen.

When I was truly desperate, I did not ask the cards

I have also had to ask myself this: why did I ask cards about everyday things? Work? Relationships? The future? Why did I want to know beforehand and secure the direction?

But when life became truly desperate, I did not turn to any middleman.

I did not call upon ascended masters. I did not call angels. I did not ask any unseen guide.

I prayed straight to God.

There is one concrete moment I remember more clearly than any card or message. One morning after a wild night out, tired of myself and those alcohol-soaked weekends in my thirties, I cried out to God for help. I asked Him to free me from alcohol. I asked that it would end now.

I did not negotiate. I did not ask for a sign. I did not make a deal.

I asked for help. A short prayer: God, help me.

And God answered that prayer immediately.

In that moment, I felt in my whole body, physically and mentally, that alcohol had left my life. Permanently. Without a fight. By the grace of God.

But back then, I did not understand what I had experienced. I still lived for years in spiritual confusion, even though God had already answered my prayer.

I imagined I was on God’s side. I talked about Him, prayed and mixed everything possible into the same spiritual package.

Only much later, after coming to faith, did I begin to see more clearly that I did not really know Jesus as the Bible reveals Him. I had built my own spirituality where God was included, but not at the center.

Now, almost twenty years later, I am deeply grateful for that answered prayer.

That moment is one of the reasons I no longer long for middlemen. In everyday questions, I used to look for answers through detours. But when life truly stopped me, I knew where to turn.

And maybe there is something important in that.

I am not writing this to condemn anyone. I am writing this because I recognize myself as someone who asked, interpreted and waited for signs.

Today I ask differently.

I do not ask first, “What does this mean?” I ask, “What am I trusting?”

And I have decided to trust that God does not need middlemen to reach me.

This does not mean I believe God cannot encourage me through another person, stop me with the words of a song or open my understanding through a conversation. I believe He can use people and situations to speak to us. There is nothing unbiblical about that.

But I no longer seek spiritual connection through detours. I want to turn straight to Him and leave the rest in His hands.

“Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need.”
(Hebrews 4:16, KJV)